Humor

The Washington Post Style Invitation postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:

  1. ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
  2. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
  3. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
  4. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
  5. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
  6. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
  7. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
  8. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
  9. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
  10. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
  11. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
  12. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
  13. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

  1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  2. I would not breed from this officer.
  3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
  7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom; has started to dig.
  8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to meet them.
  9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  10. Works well under constant supervision when cornered like a rat in a trap.
  11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

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